To the Editor:

“Pardon me, ma’am, is that a cow’s intestine I hear?”

The Berne Town Board’s second, Zoom-assisted, al fresco meeting in the open-air pavilion of the town park on July 8, was interesting.

But first, Zoom is not a new ride for the 2021 Altamont Fair. “Zoom” is a communications technology company that allows us to “skip the trip” and have an audio-video connection, or just audio, to listen in on the democratic process and even add a public comment at the appropriate time.

It provides technological magic to let us be there when we can’t “be there.” We hop on the internet and “appear” in a climate-controlled meeting room, park, grassy plain, briar patch — you fill in the blank.

But “being there” (1979 Academy Award winner — check it out) means you should be able to hear what is being said by town board members and other personnel, and any public speakers on-site. Hearing them clearly depends on the sound signal the town uploads to Zoom, which calls for quality equipment, proper connections thereof, microphone placement, audibility of speakers, ability of town personnel to operate the microphones, and suppression of junk background noise (more about that later). Hold the bugs, real and technical.

The town website provided instructions for using Zoom: Call a long-distance number, enter an 11-digit meeting ID number and then a 6-digit password. Don’t enter digits too slowly or you’ll be sent back to “GO” to try again.

Unfortunately, the telephone number listed omitted the 11th and final number, so all you needed to do was dial the 10 published numbers and pick one Mystery Number. You’re a winner after 10 tries at most, which is better odds than some games at the fair.

But you don’t win a prize. Using both a smartphone (Android S10 — very fancy) and a landline, I could hear voices rising and falling as if someone were twirling the volume knob back and forth. (Anyone remember driving their parents crazy with that technique on a radio?)

Speakers’ voices often cut in and out, were garbled and indistinct, or both. It was like listening to digestive noises in a cow’s intestine.

This would have made a great script for “Saturday Night Live” but, after an hour, I lost the “guts” to keep mining for information and turned the listening over to my personal assistant who produced a pathetic summary of the meeting through no fault of her own.

My personal gem was mined at 7:55 p.m. when I heard telephone keypad noises superimposed over the meeting conversation. (Someone calling out for pizza?)

So, a valuable public service was not attained, as called for by common sense and COVID Executive Order #202.1 and its extension orders. You didn’t get the intended prize: real-time access to an audible Berne Town Board meeting for interested citizens who could not be there in-person due to age, fragile health, lack of transportation, a need to stay home with young children — you can add to the list if your finger isn't still sore from dialing to connect.

I’ll be dialing in next time. Save me a slice.

George Christian

East Berne