When you put your all into something — when you really try your hardest — you want very badly to succeed. I think we can all agree this is true.

That’s why I was so bummed out when it took me not one, not two, not three, but four — count ’em, four — tries to get a good colonoscopy. Yes, I’m at the point in my life where getting a good colonoscopy is something I try very hard to do. Failing to get it right is, literally, a pain in the butt, haha.

Men over age 50 are urged to get a colonoscopy once every 10 years. When I got my first one, they found polyps. These were removed, but just because I had them I was urged to get future colonoscopies every five years.

So five years ago, I did it; no problem, but when I tried again this time it was problem after problem. Welcome to old age!

I had my wife mix up the preparation solution. Of course then I blamed her when I failed. But it wasn’t her fault.

They wanted me to get up at 2 a.m. and drink water every half-hour until 6 a.m. I chose to sleep instead. Of course, that round failed: My preparation was so bad they couldn’t see anything from the camera that they shove up where the sun don’t shine. So the first failure was on me.

For the second try, I followed the instructions to the letter. I mixed up the drink myself, drank it at the appropriate times, then got up at 2 a.. and drank water every half-hour until 6 a.m. What a rotten way to spend a night.

Some of the infomercials on the in the middle of the night are truly bizarre. Even after all this, I failed yet again. Now I knew something strange was going on.

At this point, I did some research. It was then that I found out that the main ingredient in the colonoscopy preparation solutions is a chemical called magnesium citrate. Turns out this chemical has been on a worldwide recall since July 2022.

It simply is not available at this time. So the preparation solutions I had been using were not up to snuff. Just my luck.

I had mentioned all this to my little brother. He told me about the solution he used, which was so powerful, he claimed, that his doctor told him he’d had the best colonoscopy preparation he’d ever seen. Wow.

So, for my third go round, I specifically asked for this preparation solution. I got it, I followed all the directions exactly — and I failed again. Three strikes and you’re out!

At this point, I was freaking out. Breast cancer is the most common cancer, but colorectal cancers are right up there (see https://www.cancer.gov/types/common-cancers). Since I’d already had polyps removed once, I was extremely worried that I had them again, and that these failed colonoscopies were preventing my doctor from finding and removing them. So I had to change the game plan.

The next thing I did was go into the doctor's office myself — this was too important for phone or email — and get right with the nurse who worked with him. I explained to her that, for my fourth colonoscopy attempt, failure was simply not an option. She then met with the doctor, and I received new instructions.

For the fourth one, I was going to have to eat a low-fiber diet — the exact opposite of a healthy diet — for several days before the colonoscopy. Then I would have to fast not one but two days before the event.

Finally, I was given a new colonoscopy solution to try, and not only that, but I had to double it over two days. Clearly, they were going for maximum firepower to get my stubborn bowels cleaned out.

So how did the fourth colonoscopy attempt turn out? Do you remember the column I wrote about two years ago, where I told about the new bidet I installed myself? Well, let me tell you, over those last six or so hours before the colonoscopy, I got my money’s worth out of that bidet.

Believe me when I say it, without that soothing and cleansing water jet, I would have rubbed my nether regions raw with all the wiping. With a clean prep, the doctor was able to get right up in there, and one polyp was found and successfully removed. I even have pictures from inside my colon. Just stop by if you want to see them, haha.

I talked to the pharmacist about the magnesium-citrate issue. She said drugs and chemicals get recalled for various reasons all the time but, because colonoscopies are so commonplace, this one has affected many, many people.

In fact, the nurse who worked with me prior to my last, successful colonoscopy told me that she herself had to do it five times before she got a clean one. How about that?

Cancer is no laughing matter, obviously. If you are a man over age 50, please work with your doctor to schedule a colonoscopy if you haven’t done so already. It’s not fun, it’s time-consuming, and the prep solution tastes awful, but it just might save your life.

When you put your all into something — when you really try your hardest — you want very badly to succeed. I think we can all agree this is true.

That’s why I was so bummed out when it took me not one, not two, not three, but four — count ’em, four — tries to get a good colonoscopy. Yes, I’m at the point in my life where getting a good colonoscopy is something I try very hard to do. Failing to get it right is, literally, a pain in the butt, haha.

Men over age 50 are urged to get a colonoscopy once every 10 years. When I got my first one, they found polyps. These were removed, but just because I had them I was urged to get future colonoscopies every five years.

So five years ago, I did it; no problem, but when I tried again this time it was problem after problem. Welcome to old age!

I had my wife mix up the preparation solution. Of course then I blamed her when I failed. But it wasn’t her fault.

They wanted me to get up at 2 a.m. and drink water every half-hour until 6 a.m. I chose to sleep instead. Of course, that round failed: My preparation was so bad they couldn’t see anything from the camera that they shove up where the sun don’t shine. So the first failure was on me.

For the second try, I followed the instructions to the letter. I mixed up the drink myself, drank it at the appropriate times, then got up at 2 a.. and drank water every half-hour until 6 a.m. What a rotten way to spend a night.

Some of the infomercials on the in the middle of the night are truly bizarre. Even after all this, I failed yet again. Now I knew something strange was going on.

At this point, I did some research. It was then that I found out that the main ingredient in the colonoscopy preparation solutions is a chemical called magnesium citrate. Turns out this chemical has been on a worldwide recall since July 2022.

It simply is not available at this time. So the preparation solutions I had been using were not up to snuff. Just my luck.

I had mentioned all this to my little brother. He told me about the solution he used, which was so powerful, he claimed, that his doctor told him he’d had the best colonoscopy preparation he’d ever seen. Wow.

So, for my third go round, I specifically asked for this preparation solution. I got it, I followed all the directions exactly — and I failed again. Three strikes and you’re out!

At this point, I was freaking out. Breast cancer is the most common cancer, but colorectal cancers are right up there (see https://www.cancer.gov/types/common-cancers). Since I’d already had polyps removed once, I was extremely worried that I had them again, and that these failed colonoscopies were preventing my doctor from finding and removing them. So I had to change the game plan.

The next thing I did was go into the doctor's office myself — this was too important for phone or email — and get right with the nurse who worked with him. I explained to her that, for my fourth colonoscopy attempt, failure was simply not an option. She then met with the doctor, and I received new instructions.

For the fourth one, I was going to have to eat a low-fiber diet — the exact opposite of a healthy diet — for several days before the colonoscopy. Then I would have to fast not one but two days before the event.

Finally, I was given a new colonoscopy solution to try, and not only that, but I had to double it over two days. Clearly, they were going for maximum firepower to get my stubborn bowels cleaned out.

So how did the fourth colonoscopy attempt turn out? Do you remember the column I wrote about two years ago, where I told about the new bidet I installed myself? Well, let me tell you, over those last six or so hours before the colonoscopy, I got my money’s worth out of that bidet.

Believe me when I say it, without that soothing and cleansing water jet, I would have rubbed my nether regions raw with all the wiping. With a clean prep, the doctor was able to get right up in there, and one polyp was found and successfully removed. I even have pictures from inside my colon. Just stop by if you want to see them, haha.

I talked to the pharmacist about the magnesium-citrate issue. She said drugs and chemicals get recalled for various reasons all the time but, because colonoscopies are so commonplace, this one has affected many, many people.

In fact, the nurse who worked with me prior to my last, successful colonoscopy told me that she herself had to do it five times before she got a clean one. How about that?

Cancer is no laughing matter, obviously. If you are a man over age 50, please work with your doctor to schedule a colonoscopy if you haven’t done so already. It’s not fun, it’s time-consuming, and the prep solution tastes awful, but it just might save your life.

After 50 years of either going to school, working, or going to school and working at the same time, I’m finally retired. It’s only been a few weeks at this point, so it still just feels like being on vacation, but I really am officially retired.

Truly, every day is Saturday now, in that when I get up I have complete control of my agenda. Very powerful, but with great power comes great responsibility.

I still get up super early because my body is just used to it. The first thing I do is bring in the newspaper — yes, I still get an actual physical newspaper delivered every day — and then I stare at the front page to see what day and date it is. Do not think I’m kidding here.

When you are retired, and no longer tied directly into the work week, every day really does seem the same. So the first thing I do is get in my head the day of the week and the date, so I can at least have some semblance of connection to the working world.

At that point, I now have complete freedom to do what I want. Some days, I might bust out the guitar for an early morning practice. Other days, I might go for a power walk, or do calisthenics first.

Eventually, I’ll read the paper, have breakfast, and do the crossword and the other puzzles. Nice to have so much freedom to do what I want.

Then it’s time to see what the major part of the day will be. I might choose to work on some house project, or do some of the never-ending landscaping that comes with living in the suburbs, or work on one of the motorcycles.

If I have to go out, I always combine my trips. Much more productive, time-saving, and fuel efficient to do this if you can. For example, a trip might include a visit to the library (my favorite place), the post office, the home center, and then the supermarket.

One great thing about retirement is I now get to do these trips during the day when I’m refreshed and raring to go, rather than on the way home from work when I’m tired and so is everyone else. Hey, senior discounts are nice too, when I remember to ask for them, haha.

I’m a big reader. I average one book a week. Now that I have time, it would be so easy to sit outside in a chair and just read for hours.

Because of this propensity, I actually have to moderate my reading, so I don’t spend too much time on just this one activity. As much as I love it, there are other things to do, both for fun and that just need doing.

But “War and Peace,” “Anna Karenina,” “Crime and Punishment,” the complete Holy Bible, and many other large, highbrow classics that you never have time for when you are working, look out, ’cause I’m coming for you.

As you can imagine, my wife has had to make a big adjustment now that I’m home during the day. Let me say this about her: She is one busy gal. She is not sitting around eating bonbons and watching “Oprah,” as the stay-at-home housewife cliché goes.

During the day, she is always, and I mean always, cleaning, decluttering, or organizing something, often while multi-tasking by being on the phone, computer, cooking, etc. at the same time. I had no idea during my working life how hard she really works to make the house look presentable and not be too chaotic. Now if I can only learn how to keep up with her!

The other day, she came out with this pronouncement: “You are obsessive about the mail.”

This is because I know when the mail comes and I get it as soon as I can. Why do I do this? There are several magazines I get that I really like, but really it’s because of the vehicles I own.

Let me explain: I’ve gotten recall notices that my vehicle may have a seat belt, brake, or even exploding airbag problem (the shrapnel from a defective exploding airbag can kill you). When I get a recall notice, I call the dealer as soon as possible and schedule the work.

Why would you not want critical information such as this the earliest you can get it? So, yes, I am obsessive about getting the mail, because I like to stay on top of things. Better safe than sorry.

Much of my skill set from my working life is in high demand right now. My friends have even suggested I could get a gig working maybe three days a week, possibly all of it from home.

While that is intriguing in many ways, I think I’d rather move on to something else. Finding the right volunteer opportunities is something I’m working on. And if I do wind up doing something for pay, I’d rather it be in a completely different field. Why not try something new at this point?

I’ve been working on playing the guitar for the past three years. When working full-time, it was a struggle to get regular practice sessions in. Now, I’m shooting for 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes at night, every day.

Truly, it’s not so much the time you put in, but the regular practice that keeps you moving forward. No matter what you’re trying to learn, being persistent and consistent is the way to go.

We’re planning some travel, which is like a full-time job in and of itself. Remember back in the day when you just went somewhere?

Now you have to compare everything online first, research when the best times to travel are, get bookings and tickets, etc. What a hassle.

I’d be fine with getting in the car or on the bikes and just heading out to see what comes our way, but my level-headed and planning-oriented wife would never be happy just doing something off the cuff like that. Still, when you spend more time looking for wi-fi than for a nice picnic spot, you wonder if all the tech is really worth it.

Retirement so far is a lot of fun. So nice to not have to be at any specific place at a specific time anymore.

Do I miss the satisfaction of being on a team and getting projects done? Yes, no doubt.

But finding new things to learn, new things to do, and new places to go has its rewards as well. Wish me luck as I attempt to find the right balance between setting and achieving tasks and just relaxing with a good book, so I can use my precious time wisely.

Growing up, my oldest daughter loved birthday parties. We tried very hard to make them fun and exciting for her. My wife made up all kinds of games for the kids to play, and we had a lot of food and cake.

These parties were a ton of work, but the kids all had a blast. Every year, we tried to outdo ourselves. It’s so great to have that kind of energy when you’re young, haha.

One year, we rented a pony for her. Having that pony in the backyard giving her and all her friends rides was a lot of fun. Kids love animals. I’m sure the pony rental business does real well.

Another time we did a pool party at a local health club. That was fun too, especially for the kids who knew how to swim. Anything that gets kids moving around is good.

Then one year, I got the idea to play Jeopardy — America’s favorite TV game show — at my daughter’s birthday party. What a decision that has turned out to be.

I never was and am not now a TV game-show fan. So many better things to do than watch game shows. But I always liked Jeopardy. I used to turn it on after school, when Art Flemming was the host.

The thing I always liked about Jeopardy was that you actually had to know stuff to win. It wasn’t based on luck or stunts or goofy stuff. Plus, if you paid attention, you could even learn some things from watching. I thought that the educational aspect of it was terrific.

So I got a four-by-eight-foot sheet of plywood. I cut it in half the long way, to make it easier to transport. Then I painted it and installed some hooks, which allowed me to have removable panels that would cover the answers.

The idea was, just like in real Jeopardy, you’d call out a category and an amount, the panel would be removed, and then you’d see the answer. Then you’d have to give the correct question to get the points.

My wife and I sat down and thought up suitable categories for the young kids who would be at the birthday party. Well, we must have done something right, as the Jeopardy game was a huge hit. So much so that we used it for other birthday parties, then for bridal showers and other special events. I had a hit on my hands for sure.

There are several motorcycle rallies I go to on a regular basis. Seeing how well my daughter and her friends liked playing Jeopardy, I decided to do it at the motorcycle rallies as well.

Now, motorcycle rallies have a lot going on: music, rides, tech sessions, bike judging, field events, and more. But I tell you the truth, at any rally that I did my homemade Jeopardy game, it was by far the most popular event at the rally. Yes, it really was. Fun, prizes, entertainment; what’s not to like?

Last year, my wife and I were riding in the car somewhere, and somehow we got to talking about the big week-long Americade motorcycle rally that happens every June in Lake George. We’d been going there, usually for a day or two, for many of the 40 years that it’s been happening.

Then, out of nowhere, my wife says, “You ought to offer to do Jeopardy at Americade.”

Holy cow, why hadn’t I thought of that? Probably because Americade is a really big deal, attracting thousands of riders from all over the world for one intense week of wall-to-wall motorcycling: demo rides, guided tours, boat rides, comedy shows, a huge trade show, fireworks, and much more.

How could my little, homemade birthday party Jeopardy game fit into something so huge? Well, it turns out my wife had a very good idea after all (just one more of many, I might add).

Once I presented the idea for an Americade Jeopardy game to the folks at Americade, they were all in. So on the Thursday night of the rally, under beautiful clear Adirondack skies, many folks came inside to watch and play the game.

Know that, even though I was competing against many other activities — including a chartered boat ride for veterans — I still had at least 50 people in the audience. That was a great turnout for an inaugural event.

Americade provided many extras as well: custom-made contestant lecterns, prizes, top-notch audio/video equipment, and two beautiful assistants to work the board. If it sounds like we had a barrel of fun, it’s because we did.

Half the fun of doing my own version of Jeopardy is coming up with the categories, answers, and questions. Just to give you a taste for the game, here is one category from Americade Jeopardy, The Blues (anybody who rides motorcycles, by default, loves this quintessentially American form of music).

Try covering up the questions as you read the answers, so see how many you can get (the numbers are the point values):

— 10 A) He called his guitar “Lucille.”
10 Q) Who is B. B. King?

— 20 A) He is most certainly “Bad to the Bone.”
20 Q) Who is George Thorogood?

— 30 A) This blues instrument is known as a “harp.”
30 Q) What is a harmonica?

— 40 A) His classics include “Rollin’ Stone,” “Hoochie Coochie Man,” “Mannish Boy,” and “Got My Mojo Working.”
40 Q) Who is Muddy Waters?

— 50 A) This blues act started as a skit on “Saturday Night Live.”
50 Q) Who are The Blues Brothers?

The last part of Jeopardy is always Final Jeopardy. I thought I had come up with a very easy one. See if you can get it:

Category:Interstate Highways

Answer: The longest interstate highway

Here’s a hint: It runs from Seattle, Washington to Boston, Massachusetts.

Doing my homemade Jeopardy game at Americade was a blast. Based on the feedback I heard from all involved, I wouldn’t be surprised if it became an annual event. What fun.

Also, a special thanks goes to my lovely wife, Charlotte, for coming up with the idea, and for keeping score during the game. Who would have thought all of this would have come about out of a simple kid’s birthday party activity?

P.S. The answer to Final Jeopardy is I-90.

When I was a kid in Brooklyn, some of my wise-guy friends — comic wise guys, not criminal “wiseguys” — would often tell stories that would get you going, only to have them say, “only kidding, haha” at the end. They did this so often that I learned a good lesson that stood the test of time: Don’t believe everything you hear.

Then in high school, the seniors would try to sell pool passes to the freshmen. First they’d tell you there was a secret pool on the roof for the teachers and staff. Then they’d say they were going to be studying really hard to get into a good college, they wouldn’t have time to swim anymore, and they’d sell the pool pass cheap because they weren’t going to use it anyway.

I don’t know if anyone took them up on this. It was a non-starter for me because I never learned how to swim.

I’m bringing up these stories of tall tales and outright lies for a reason. I read a lot of books, and my favorite categories are mysteries and psychological thrillers.

Trying to figure out “whodunit” is always fun. The thing is, lately, I’m finding more and more writers using a technique that I’ve grown to dislike immensely, the so-called “unreliable narrator.” According to our friends at Wikipedia, an unreliable narrator is a narrator “whose credibility is compromised.” Tell me about it!

Every time I come upon one of these unreliable-narrator books, I think about my old BS-ing friends and the seniors with the pool passes. What a bunch of baloney. I mean, if you can’t trust the narrator, what chance do you have of figuring out who the guilty party is? It’s just not fair.

I would love to give an example of this so you can get the drift, but at the same time I don’t want to spoil a book or movie for you. In light of that, I’ll go back to a book from 2012, hoping that is long enough ago that you already know the ending at this point so it will not be ruined. That book, which became a hit movie as well, is “Gone Girl” by Gillian Flynn.

“Gone Girl” is great because it is intense and full of plot twists. But the whole thing is based on the fact that the narrator — the person telling the story so intently and passionately — is unreliable. She’s just not telling the truth. This is why, when the plot hook gets revealed about halfway through the story, you sit there with your jaw dropped and just go “damn.” At least that’s what I did.

Don’t get me wrong, “Gone Girl” is a great story. In fact, it became so successful it inspired a whole new genre of “Girl” books, where the heroine goes missing under mysterious circumstances. To inspire a whole new genre is pretty impressive, I would say. But still, the frequent use of the unreliable narrator trick has just gotten out of hand at this point. It’s just been beaten to death, really.

We can all agree that we don’t like to be lied to. If we can’t be honest with each other, what else is there? Nothing at all. That’s why I so dislike the whole “fake news” and “alternative facts” stuff going on in the world these days.

Now, with the release of publicly available and easy-to-use AI (Artificial Intelligence) programs like ChatGPT, it’s only going to get worse. Truly, you can’t trust that anything you see, hear, or read in the media anymore is authentic. These so-called “deep fakes” are only going to get better and better — that is, harder to tell if they are true or made up — as time goes on. What a way to live.

Being that we are so inundated with questionable content everywhere we turn, you would like to think that, when you find the time to sit down with a good book, at least you’re getting the straight story. I think it’s the confluence of fake everything and unreliable narrators that has got my blood boiling lately. I hate to be negative, I really do, but enough is enough.

Now look, it’s one thing when the old guys get together and tell the same old stories over and over. That fish that got away gets bigger and bigger all the time. The old hot-rod from high school gets faster and faster as the years go on.

And the number of girlfriends us old guys had gets bigger and bigger too as the years fly by, don’t you know it. We all love to embellish the old stories — many times we don’t even know we’re doing it — but outright lying is not cool. Give it to me straight or don’t give it to me at all.

Fortunately, there are plenty of old mysteries and thrillers to read that don’t use unreliable narrators and are great fun. I’m talking about Agatha Christie, Arthur Conan Doyle, Raymond Chandler, Dashiel Hammet, and many more.

Like old well-made furniture and old whiskies, these authors age very well. If you’re looking for a good read, one to really sink your teeth into, pick up anything by these writers and try to find out “whodunit.” Great fun.

My old pals in Brooklyn and the seniors in my high school were the type of people who loved to put one over on you. What’s that old cliché? “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.” You’ve been warned.

After 50 years in the workforce, I’m finally approaching retirement. It took a very long time for me to get comfortable with the prospect of not having a place to go on Monday mornings.

Think about it — when you go to a party and meet new people, the first question asked so often is: “So what do you do?” Answering with the R-word will be strange for sure.

I’ll miss my job a little, but I’ll miss my co-workers much more. Being part of a team and getting projects done is very satisfying. To work hard and then to accomplish goals with other motivated and responsible people is very rewarding. I know I’ll miss that a lot.

Don’t get me wrong: I work in a large bureaucracy, and that drives me crazy. It’s just inherently soulless on so many levels. The endless memos, meetings, and artificial deadlines, to say nothing of the crazily complicated budgeting and purchasing process, are not something I’ll miss.

If I never see another “You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it sure helps” sign, or a poster of a kitten hanging by a thread with the caption “Hang in there,” that will be perfectly all right with me as well. At least I didn’t have a countdown retirement clock displaying on my monitor for the last 20 years, haha.

Here are two very different examples of a possible retired life:

— I know a retired cement contractor who has a big barn in the country where he does top-level restorations of cars and trucks. I once asked him, “How do you manage to get so much quality work done?” He replied, “I treat this like a job. I’m out here at 7 a.m. five days a week, rain or shine, and I work all day. That’s the only way to do it.”

— A friend who works in a local motorcycle shop told me about a guy who rode in and asked to have the air pressure in his tires checked. My friend explained that tires heat up as you drive or ride and that, to get the true air pressure, it’s best to do it yourself first thing in the morning, or after the vehicle has been sitting for a few hours. The guy replied: “I’m retired. I don’t have to do anything anymore. Just check the damn tires.”

Between these two extremes, I’m hoping to find a good balance for living in retirement. Yes, I have plenty of hobbies: motorcycling, both riding and restoring; music performance; writing; woodworking; exercise; and so many more.

But do I really want to commit to doing any of them at 7 a.m. every day, all day? I’m not so sure about that. I mean, if I wanted another job, I would just get another job.

Conversely, do I want to be the guy with a goofy “I’m retired and I can wine all I want” T-shirt and sit around all day doing nothing? Not a chance. I’ve seen enough daytime TV to know that’s something I don’t want any part of.

I’m hoping retirement will offer a new and varied set of challenges and opportunities. The trick will be to balance so many interests to achieve some kind of harmony.

For example, I’ve been thinking long and hard about volunteering for everything and anything: fire company, Habitat for Humanity, library trustee, and many more.

You often see gray-haired Baby Boomers like I’ll soon be doing things to help out in the community. I definitely want a piece of that, but how much commitment can I really promise?

I have grandchildren that I’m hoping to see more of. Then there’s that long hoped-for travel that we all look forward to, once we have the time.

Finally, there is the declining energy problem. As we get older, we have to use it wisely, because there just isn’t that unlimited amount available anymore like there used to be when we were young. Sigh.

When I drive to work, I’m on the road before 6 a.m. There is nobody on the road at that time, and I just zoom into the office.

Conversely, on days I have off and I’m driving later in the day, there is a lot of traffic and congestion. Yikes. I sure wish the stores opened on “my” time. I’m so used to getting up early, I could get all my errands done by the time everyone else is just going out.

Then again, without having an early job to get to, I may wind up staying up later at night and then getting up late like everyone else. I honestly have no idea which way this will go. I do like the mornings because they’re so quiet and peaceful, and I would hate to lose that most precious and peaceful part of the day. We’ll see.

Having a lot more time to read is something I’m looking forward to very much. In fact, I can see myself riding — either motorcycle or bicycle — or driving to interesting places just to find new places to sit peacefully and read. If I only did that, I’d be very happy. So many books, so little time!

After a long life of working, a well earned retirement offers plenty of new opportunities for self growth, helping others, and just plain relaxing. It will be so interesting to see how my time fills up without having to be at a certain place at a certain time every day anymore.

It has taken me a long time to get to this place, and I’m still skeptical of using the R-word at parties or wearing a goofy retirement T-shirt. Still, after a life of working, now it’s time to relax, at least a little. Wish me luck.

I love meeting new people because all people are interesting in one way or another. Truly, meeting new people adds spice to life, just like hot sauce on chili.

The best is when I get to meet an Interesting Person. That’s like winning the game for me. But what makes for an Interesting Person? Fair question.

Let’s start with what makes a person not interesting. Imagine it’s blistering hot and sweltering humid. You know, like a typical day in Florida. If someone comes up to you and says “Hot enough for ya?,” you can be sure that is not an Interesting Person.

An Interesting Person knows it is indeed hot enough, and that there is no reason to ask such an obvious question. Trust me: If it’s hot enough for you, it’s hot enough for me.

If you are a teacher of any kind, you are automatically an Interesting Person. You know in your heart that children are the future, and you know in that regard that you have great responsibility.

However, when you see kids who are obviously having problems at home, or kids with ridiculously demanding parents, or school districts with no funding, it just breaks your heart. If all that doesn’t make you interesting, nothing will.

Any kind of musician or singer is an Interesting Person. While we all love music, it’s the ones who put in the endless hours of practice to do it well that make it possible for us to enjoy it in the first place. Since I’ve started to play a little, I have a newfound respect for anyone who plays anything.

In the same vein, the confidence of a singer who goes out there and bleeds from the heart is truly awe-inspiring. Musicians are by default Interesting Persons.

A lot of us have hobbies. Some common ones are gardening, woodworking, and model railroading. Having a hobby is pretty ordinary, but some people take their hobbies to the next level.

I had a friend who had a large, tiered garden that was so fantastic he could have charged admission. I have other friends who build fantastic woodworking projects, and others who create intricate and detailed model railroads. To spend so much time and money on your hobby like that, where you are really devoted to it, makes you an Interesting Person in my mind.

If you are lucky, you have some friends who really get into cooking and entertaining. I know a couple who just “whip together” gourmet meals and baked goods like it was nothing. They make it look so easy, I wonder why we don’t do it in my house (probably because it’s not that easy).

These people do it up right: the proper place settings and serving ware, elegantly simple yet tasteful recipes, pairing the wine, etc. Plus their house looks like it could be in a magazine. When you can cook, clean, and entertain like that — and make it look so easy — you are interesting for sure.

If you’ve been reading my column for any length of time you know that I love to read. I’ve been averaging a book a week for many years, and I wish I had time to read even more. If you love to read as well, you are automatically an Interesting Person.

Why? Because, by reading and getting others’ perspectives on anything and everything, you will be better able to consider and hopefully understand the many nuances that are part of life. You’re the kind of person who knows that it’s not all black and white, but infinite shades of gray. Yes you, the voracious reader, are the very definition of an Interesting Person, and I heartily salute you.

I love this quote from H. Jackson Brown Jr., the author of “Life’s Little Instruction Book”: “Never make fun of someone who speaks broken English. It means they know another language.”

Being multilingual makes for a very interesting person indeed. Because different languages use different thought constructs and word patterns, people who speak another language literally think differently.

Don’t even get me started on tonal languages like Mandarin. Imagine what thinking in that language must be like. If you can speak more than one language, or translate, you are not only interesting but in high demand. Good for you.

Motorcycle riders are very interesting. I’ve met a ton of them and I can say without doubt that every motorcycle rider out there is just a friend I haven’t met yet.

If I go to a party and meet another motorcycle rider, I’m good for the rest of the evening. Everyone has their own reasons for riding, and I never get tired of talking about it.

If you’ve gotten soaked or crashed or broken down somewhere, or just felt like you were flying through the air with the sun at your back and the wind in your face, you have my undivided attention, always.

Artists, I don’t care what the medium is, are interesting. That someone can be so creative is just amazing. The enjoyment of art, prose, music, sculpting, photography, etc., is what makes life worth living.

It’s not always easy for creative people to be creative, because they simultaneously have to come up with some way to pay the bills while doing it. I find creative people to be very interesting, and I’m glad to share the world with them.

I don’t believe in war and prefer diplomacy first, always. Having said that, I do find our dedicated military personnel to be interesting by default, and I heartily thank them for their service. I can’t imagine what being in combat must be like.

Same goes for police, fire, rescue, etc. It’s dangerous, stressful work but someone has to do it. I’m sure they all have their stories, many of which we’d have a hard time even imagining. Those are surely interesting people.

I avoid any medical TV shows or stories, and I try to stay out of doctors’ offices as much as I can. That’s the main reason I try to exercise every day.

Still, I know health care professionals have it tough, which makes them interesting people. My daughter is a nurse, and what she goes through on a daily basis is just unreal.

Any time you’re dealing with life and death is, at the very least, interesting in many ways. My hat is off to all the overworked medical professionals out there, especially in this awful COVID period that never seems to end.

If you are a small-business owner, you know all about struggling through ups and downs, trying to pay all your bills, endless regulations, theft (both internal and external), and so many other things that come with the territory.

I’m so inspired when small-business owners put their heart and soul into it, for our benefit. That is interesting and worthy of our admiration, certainly. Thanks to you all.

I grew up in the city, so I don’t have firsthand knowledge of farming. I know that farming now is done by big corporations, yet some family farms still survive.

If you are a farmer, you know you are totally dependent on the weather, and that there is no such thing as a day off because the work never stops. Truly, farming families that work so hard and strive to keep it going are interesting in many ways. They are the heart and soul of the country. My hat is off to them.

Finally, let me end with some very interesting people, judges. I don’t know about you, but many times both sides of the story make sense to me, making it very difficult choosing which way to go.

Like, is it OK to eat the last endangered animal if you’re starving? Judges train to make these decisions in as fair a manner as possible, keeping the law in mind and yet trying to have a heart at the same time.

I admire judges very, very much. That kind of work can’t be easy, and it certainly makes them very interesting people.

In looking over this list, it seems most of the people I find interesting are people who work. How interesting, pardon the pun.

Maybe because I’ve been in the workforce for 50 years and am finally approaching retirement has something to do with it. In any case, I just know that people who get up every day to support themselves and their families are the lifeblood of this country, and will always have my utmost admiration and respect.

Hot enough for ya?

We haven’t heard from my alter-ego, the always helpful and understanding advice columnist “Cranky Frankie,” in a long time. Let’s see what’s in the mailbag:

Dear Cranky Frankie:

I’m an auto mechanic. The other day, a beautiful young woman brought her car in for scheduled maintenance, which included changing the cabin air filter. On her car, like in many these days, this requires emptying the glove box to reach the filter compartment.

So I began emptying the glove box, and pulled out the usual junk you’d expect: CDs, sunglasses, receipts, the owner’s manual, and the like. Then I pulled out this tube-like thing and, because it was like nothing I’d ever seen before, I couldn’t help but take a closer look.

To my shock and surprise, I was all of a sudden holding a tampon in my hand! Having such an intimate part of a stranger’s life in my hand like that really upset me. After I changed the filter I reloaded the glove box as best I could. I didn’t say anything about how embarrassed I felt about all this when she came in to pay the bill. Should I have said something? What does a gentleman mechanic do in a situation like this?

Sincerely,

Found A Strange Thing
 

Dear FAST:

When changing a cabin air filter, it’s very important to note the direction of the air flow. These filters are designed to work in a specific orientation. In general, the air comes in from the top and goes out the bottom, so be sure to orient the filter with the arrow pointing down.

While you’re in there, it’s a good idea to use your shop vac to vacuum out any dust or dirt that always seems to accumulate. Then make sure to reinstall the filter cover securely, so you don’t have any leaks.

****

Dear Cranky Frankie:

I want to reduce my “carbon footprint,” just to do my little part in helping to save the environment. So I’ve been taking the bus to work lately. The problem is, the nearest bus stop is 20 minutes from my house.

As if that weren’t bad enough, depending on the day, the bus could be anywhere from five to 30 minutes late. On a chilly day, it is really difficult to stand outside in the cold and wind, just waiting and waiting. Is there any way to make this whole bus riding procedure smoother and more bearable?

Sincerely,

Wants Easy And Reliable, Yes
 

Dear WEARY:

When you consider the fact that half the people in the world use tampons, and that the average woman who uses tampons will go through close to 12,000 of them in her lifetime, it was only a matter of time before you came into contact with one.

Truly, coming into contact with such a personal item from a total stranger can be unsettling. Clearly, the owner of the car had no idea you’d have to empty the glove box to change that filer. In this case, just chalk it up to experience. Who knows what you might find next time?

****

Dear Cranky Frankie:

The lady who sits in the cubicle next to mine at work is a health-food nut. She spends the whole day grazing on carrots, peppers, carrots, and the like. While I’m glad, even inspired, by her clean and healthy diet, the sound of her chewing all day just grosses me out.

I’ve had to resort to wearing huge earphones and listening to music just to survive. The problem is, I can’t hear anything else that’s going on in the office when I’m listening to music. One time, I even missed the fire alarm! How can I tell my co-worker that her constant chewing is driving me insane?

Sincerely,

Digestion and Mindless Munching Isn’t Tolerable
 

Dear DAMMIT:

True story: Once we were out on a motorcycle ride with a guy who was riding an old Triumph twin. On these old bikes, the engine, transmission, and primary drive are all separate, not one piece like on today;’s modern machines.

That means there are a lot of joints for things to leak from. After riding all morning, we were stopped for a break when someone noticed oil leaking from under the Triumph. As if the leak itself wasn’t bad enough, it was directly in line with the rear tire. Trust me, when you’re riding a motorcycle, you don’t want any oil dripping onto your rear tire!

Fortunately, we had a couple of ladies on the ride that day. One of them reached into her jacket pocket, pulled out a tampon, opened it, and then said, “See if this will help.” Well, we stuck that tampon right up there between the transmission and the primary, and that guy was able to ride home 75 miles with no problem.

That tampon saved the day. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that every mechanic needs to keep a tampon in his toolbox, but in a pinch, what gets you home is what gets you home.

****

Dear Cranky Frankie:

Now that COVID is almost over, I want to finally have some friends over for dinner and a movie. However, I’ve managed to not get COVID by strictly following all the rules, and I don’t want to totally relax just yet.

If I put the leaf in my dining room table, would it be OK to skip every other chair so I can “socially distance” us while we eat? Then, what is the etiquette involved in asking everyone to wear N95 masks during the movie? I’m not sure how my guests will respond to these requests, yet I so desperately want their company. Help!

Sincerely,

Friends Require Unusual Measures Periodically
 

Dear FRUMP:

I used to drive a minivan. Not the sexiest vehicle on the road, no doubt but, when you took the seats out, you could fit 4-by-8 sheets of plywood in there. That is pretty awesome.

I drove that thing to the lumber yard, motorcycle meets, you name it. I really loved that mini-van. One day, I tried to shove one too many CDs in the glove box, and I couldn’t get the door shut. Rats.

So I decided to do a complete glove box clean-out. Now I’m removing CDs, tools, pencils, old harmonicas, you name it — a veritable smorgasbord of junk that had just accumulated over a long, long time. When I get to the very bottom, what do you think I found?

If you guessed a tampon, you’d be right! Turns out many ladies, like wives and girlfriends, like to keep “spares” in the glove box, just in case, similar to the one found while changing the cabin air filter. So here I am thinking, yeah, I may be riding around in a mini-van, but I can haul dimensional lumber, so I’m still cool.

Then come to think, all that time I’d been riding around with a tampon in my glove box! If my buddies had found that out, I’d never have heard the end of it for sure. My advice: If you’re married or have a steady girlfriend, check your glove box today.

****

Dear Cranky Frankie:

I keep seeing commercials for reverse mortgages. I think I understand how they work — you get money based on the equity in your home — but after that I’m totally confused. As a senior on a fixed income, I need to know: Are reverse mortgages good, or are they some kind of a scam?

Concerned Over Reverse Negotiations Yielding
 

Dear CORNY:

If there’s one thing that gives school janitors fits, other than carrying around that huge key ring with a hundred keys, it’s dealing with tampons that have been flushed down toilets. To put it simply, tampons belong in the solid waste stream, period (no pun intended!). Unless you want to see your plumber more often, never flush tampons down the toilet.
 

Well, that’s all we have time for in this installment of “Ask Cranky Frankie.” Keep sending your most interesting questions in and we’ll try our best to answer them as time and space allow.

When my parents and later just my father were living in Guilderland, my little brother from Florida visited many times, spending thousands of dollars on plane tickets and hotels. I promised him that, once our parents were gone, my lovely wife and I would visit him in Florida.

Well, we just got back from that long anticipated trip. Our nearly two weeks in the sunshine state featured family, friends, and relaxation, with a little bit of frustration (uncontrollable sneezing and coughing will do that to you).

My wife would have preferred to fly. Not me. Since they removed all the legroom on planes and ramped up the security screenings, it’s just too much of a hassle to fly now.

I would have preferred driving down in a sexy rented car like a Mustang. I lost that battle, unfortunately. Driving down in a Honda had no jazz to it, but it worked out.

When you drive down south in the winter, things don’t start to change until you hit Virginia. All of a sudden, you no longer need that winter jacket. You can easily identify all the other escaping snowbirds not by their license plates, but by how dirty their cars are. I thought that was really funny.

Have you ever seen those ubiquitous “South of the Border” bumper stickers? Turns out that is a tourist trap in South Carolina, located just over the border from North Carolina. The place is huge with many different types of activities.

I purchased a couple of cheap wind-up cars for the grandkids. When these cars hit the wall, they flip over backwards multiple times — very entertaining. Had I known how much fun they are, I would have bought a bunch more.

We needed to do a 750-mile day, stay in a hotel, and then do a 550-mile day to reach our vacation rental. Sounds like a lot but the speed limit on I-95 is 70, and you get passed going 80, so you can really make some time.

One thing that kind of shocked me is, all of a sudden, there is The Pentagon, just sitting right out there. Should our most important military installation be so out in the open that any nudnik driving by on the major north-south East Coast thoroughfare can’t miss it? Not so sure about that.

If you’re lucky, when you book your hotel, you can get one with a “free” breakfast. Of course it’s not free, but it is convenient to have everything you need in one location.

Many of these hotels right off of I-95 have really odd quirks: sounds in the plumbing, temperature either really hot or really cold, beds that sag in the middle, etc. Still, when all you need is a bed for a single night, you can’t beat them.

The vacation rental my daughter got for the family was incredible. Six bathrooms, seven bedrooms, hot tub, pool, game room, and big-screen TVs all over the place. Not cheap but, if you get enough people and split the cost, it’s not much more than getting separate normal hotel rooms.

So the rental and the location — right outside of Orlando — was not the problem for me. The problem was the pollen.

Apparently you can develop allergies as you get older. I never had allergies my entire life, but in the last few years I’ve clearly become more allergic.

My first two days in Florida, I was blowing my nose, coughing, and sneezing so badly I couldn’t use my CPAP [continuous positive airway pressure] machine. That means I couldn’t sleep, either. Needless to say, I was miserable.

Yes, it was enjoyable to have sunny and 85-degree temperatures in the beginning of February while it was -15F in Guilderland. Still, if I’d have been home, I wouldn’t have been suffering at all. You can always throw on another blanket, no matter how cold it gets, but you can’t get rid of pollen.

A trip to a local pharmacy got me a smorgasbord of painkillers, decongestants, allergy pills, and cough medicines. Gradually, I was able to adjust to the tropical climate, but I have never liked the humidity down there, and combined with the pollen, I can’t say I look forward to returning.

If it weren’t for my family loving all the touristy stuff, I’d probably never go there again, since there are just so many other nice places to visit where I wouldn’t get sick.

The modus operandi in Florida seems to be: Buy up hundreds of acres of swampland and build a gated community featuring luxury rentals for tourists. Our rental literally backed up to a swamp.

All week long, we’d see big birds like cranes and herons walking around, sometimes even in the middle of the street. Can you imagine what they are thinking: “What the heck happened to our habitat? And why are we having to eat dirty, flattened McDonald’s french fries off the street now?”

Very strange, but if you “follow the money,” as they say, you’ll understand.

You know how it costs hundreds of dollars for theme-park tickets? Well, leave it to Disney for making money from those of us who have no interest in rides and such.

They now have these “boardwalk” areas that have free admission, featuring every possible store and restaurant you could ever imagine. These places were jammed, and there must be no recession down there, as people were spending money hand over fist. Wow.

My wife did some grocery shopping. She said prices were two or three times higher than what we usually pay. When a six-pack of diet soda costs the same as a six-pack of beer, you know they are really marking it up.

They wouldn’t do it if they couldn’t get away with it. I guess the lure of fun and sun in the dead of winter trumps everything, no pun intended.

For me, the best part of the trip was getting to visit friends all up and down the East Coast. My on-the-ball wife cleverly used mapping software to plot out our visits to maximize efficiency. It was wonderful.

In fact, next winter, I’d be fine with skipping Florida and just taking a long road trip to visit warm-weather friends. Often they will act as local tour guides and show you all the good places. You can’t beat that with a baseball bat.

If you do find yourself in Florida, consider visiting Saint Augustine, which is the oldest city in the United States. They have no franchises or chain stores, by design. When I was there, I felt like I was in a charming New England small town; it was that great. I’d go back there in a heartbeat. Just a wonderful place to be.

Altogether, we drove 3,202 miles. I know most people think that’s crazy, when you can fly to Florida in a couple of hours. But, when you add in visiting friends along the way, attending other local attractions here and there, and getting to listen to some great audiobooks on the long drive (“Bel Canto” by Ann Patchett, a fantastic romance/thriller, and “A Marriage Made in Heaven” by Erma Bombeck, so funny and true) the trip, though tiring, was still a lot of fun.

Still, after almost two weeks on the road, it sure was great to finally be home. That’s when we found out that the condensate pump on the furnace had failed while we were away, resulting in a partially wet basement. You can’t ever beat Murphy’s Law, but you knew that already, haha.

So now we’re back in Guilderland, without sneezing, coughing, or headaches, and paying normal grocery prices again. Good to be back home.

After I complete my morning ablutions, the first thing I do is turn on the TV to see if there have been any new mass shootings, COVID outbreaks, or freak storms since I went to bed. Then, if I’m lucky and the delivery guy shows up on time, I read the newspaper.

Often, I’ll be reading in depth about what they only have seconds to talk about on TV. The juxtaposition of the fleeting images on the screen with the deeper coverage in print has served me ably over the years. Like wine and cheese, they go together very well.

On the TV, they take many breaks for commercials. In fact, the all-news channels I often watch seem to have the most commercials. There are of course advertisements in the newspaper as well. Not as many as there used to be, unfortunately, but they are still there.

Now I’m in the truck, driving to work. You expect commercials on for-profit radio stations. Yet, even on my beloved National Public Radio, I have to hear them as well.

If you think public radio is funded by the government, you would be only partly right. Public radio in fact mostly depends upon our donations and advertising, although they call it underwriting.

No matter: By the time I get to work each day, I’ve already seen, read, and heard plenty of commercials. There is just no way to escape it, it seems, aside from hiding in a cave (wouldn’t it be ironic if some ancient cave wall hieroglyphics were actually advertisements, haha).

During the day, I check social media on occasion. You never know when the grandkids will do something cute.

Of course, for this privilege, you have to look at endless ads for everything and anything. Sigh. At least, because I’m not consumed by cats like everyone else, I can scroll right past those endless cat videos, thank goodness.

On the way home, between all the yelling and screaming on the sports talk-radio shows, are more commercials. Then of course there are more on the TV at night.

The only time during the entire day when I know I won’t be subjected to advertising is when I finally get to sit down with a good book before bedtime. Good old paper books, without advertising: You just can’t beat them.

I remember in a business course in college the professor tried to justify the need for advertising. From a strictly business point of view, you can’t buy a product if you don’t even know it exists, so there is that.

But the main reason for suffering through the endless barrage of advertising we all deal with, he said, was that it provides jobs. Who can argue with that?

We need our friends and neighbors to have good paying jobs so they can provide for themselves and, by paying taxes, provide for all of us. So, if you look at it that way, you have to agree that advertising is good in at least that one respect.

Of course, there are all kinds of advertising. For many years, I stood shoulder to shoulder on jam-packed subway cars with nothing to look at except the advertising, which was often quite creative (looking anyone in the eye on the subway is just asking for trouble). Hey, in a captive situation like that, even a lousy Verizon ad can take your mind to a better place.

Sometimes newspaper print ads can be really great. I’d even say they are in a renaissance right about now.

Recently, there was a full page ad for the Fender Telecaster guitar, the first really successful solid-body, amplified guitar, in The Times that was stunning. Had they listed a price to get a framed color copy I would have jumped on it, because it was that good.

Same thing with the new BMW car ads: “You don’t want to rent a car. You want to rent THE car.” Great stuff.

One place where advertising is a big fail is on social media. Maybe you’ve experienced the following: You search for some product or service online, and then get relentlessly bombarded for ads for those products for weeks after.

It literally makes you stop and think, do I really need to search for this? What a royal pain that is.

Another social-media advertising failure is when you see a fantastic video for something that looks really neat. Then you order it, wait a month (probably because it’s coming from China); then, when it arrives, it’s either nowhere near as good as they made it seem, or it’s something completely different.

I’ve been burned twice by this, such that I will never order anything directly from a social-media post ever again. There are just too many scams out there to trust any of the ads.

I’m the kind of person who just doesn’t like anything to do with doctors, medicine, hospitals, etc. That’s one reason I workout six days a week.

The healthier I can keep myself, the less of the medical profession I’ll have to deal with. At least that’s what I hope.

But, if you just want to watch the national news, you are forced, over and over, to learn about “hormone receptor-positive, HER2-node negative metastatic breast cancer, with an aromatase inhibitor,” whatever all that means.

Then they list so many side effects — some of which include death — that, if you weren’t sick before hearing all this, you probably are now. So then you click the mute button.

No relief, because on the screen it then says “the perineum is the space between the anus and genitals.” Jeez, I just ate dinner; give me a break!

Look, I’m married to a breast-cancer survivor, so I know this stuff is important, but that’s why you work hard to get a good job, so you can get health care and then talk to your doctor about it.

It’s like the endless Good Feet Store commercials, where people are in tears over how great their arch supports are. But what about those of us who don’t have flat feet, thank goodness?

After seeing these commercials a thousand times, I really hope I never have to step into a Good Feet Store. I’m sure they are very nice people, but enough is enough.

There is one bit of advertising that is truly annoying, and that is the endless phone calls for various offers. For example, I’ve received so many calls offering to help me extend my vehicle warranty, that it’s to the point where I know I’ll never be truly alone in life, no matter how long I live.

That’s because, I’m sure, there will always be someone calling me to help me extend my vehicle warranty. You hate to be a negative person, but you just about have to screen all your calls at this point.

The timeshare phase seems to be dying out lately, but there was a time when we’d get offers of free dinners, giveaways, lodging, and cash just to sit through a 90-minute timeshare presentation.

Think about it: How bad must something be if they have to spend all that money just to get you to sit through their spiel?

I know some folks get good use out of timeshares, but the maintenance fees just keep going higher and higher, and they don’t stop when you can’t use the timeshare because of other events or responsibilities.

I haven’t been to a timeshare presentation for several years now, what a relief. So high pressure. Never again if I can help it.

Advertising isn’t all bad, of course. Every year around the holidays they have those World’s Greatest Commercials shows. Think about that, a show full of commercials, with commercials between the commercials.

Sounds awful, but some commercials, especially those from other countries, are really unique and very funny.

Then there are the classic commercials we all know and love from back in the day: “Where’s the Beef?,” “I’m not gonna pay a lot for this muffler!,” “Momma mia, that’s a spicy meata-ball!”

In fact, I’ve never been to a Williams Lumber store, but they used to feature their kids and grandkids in their commercials, and the kids stole the show. So well written, charming, and funny, I actually miss them.

If I ever get to a Williams Lumber store, I’ll be sure to tell them how much I miss their commercials, and ask them how the kids are doing.

I just really, really hope I never need arch supports.

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