The vagaries of constructing a split-rail fence

After a great 70-degree day on Monday when many of the OMOTM got outside and got to work in the warm fresh air doing stuff that our bodies were complaining about on Tuesday morning, April 1, we woke up to 30-degree temps and wind. But we made it to Mrs. K's Kitchen in Middleburgh on time after chewing down some Ibuprofen tablets.

I am not kidding about the Ibuprofen tablets; old guys just sometimes don't seem to understand that we can’t do today what we did effortlessly yesterday. What do you mean I can't dig five little two-foot-deep post holes and put the fence posts in them in two hours? I probably won't even break a sweat.

Oh, wait. You mean the holes must all be the same depth? Because, if they are not, then the rails that fit into the holes in the end posts won't be the same height above the ground and the whole fence will really look stupid as the horizontal rails go up and down from post to post.

Rocks. I have hundreds, maybe thousands, of rocks lurking just one inch below the crab grass I call my lawn. I call my lawn a 20 mph lawn, which means if you drive by my house at 20 mph or faster and glance over at my lawn, it looks pretty good.

My neighbors all have 2 mph lawns with real grass and no crab grass. That’s OK because, once I get my wonderfully attractive split rail fence in place, I’ll be the envy of the neighborhood. My curb appeal will skyrocket.

Back to the rocks. Who knew they were there? Okay, one inch down, only 23 inches to go! I need something to help me get rid of the rocks, some of which are more like boulders.

I know what I’ll do — I’ll ask my friends, the OMOTM. They know everything. Sure enough, they did.

The only problem was, they all started talking at once, and loudly. For all of us OFs who wear hearing aids, this means only one thing. You just hear a bunch of noise.

I understood enough to realize I needed a few more tools. Just my trusty shovel was not going to do the job.

Two tools in particular are absolutely required. The first is a post-hole digger; the second is sort of a two-for-one tool with one end being flat and round like a 2- or 3-inch silver-dollar pancake. The other end is like a pry bar to help break up the soil and loosen up the rocks so the post hole digger can pick them up.

This pry bar is made of iron and around an inch or a little bigger in diameter. It is also over six feet long and weighs 5,000 pounds! You have to use two hands to raise it up before slamming it down into the hole. It takes about 1,000 slams per one foot of hole plus wiggling it around to really loosen the rocks and dirt so you can bend over and pick up the post-hole digger to help remove all this stuff from your two-foot hole. One inch at a time.

It wasn’t long before I was thinking about how deep do I really have to make this hole? Would 20 inches down be enough? How about 18 inches? By the way, once you start with the first 24-inch post hole, they all must be the same depth. And straight. And plumb, no fair having the post leaning this way or that way.

It also helps to have the holes in the post facing the rails so you have someplace to put the rails into the posts! Also helps to have the posts located 10 feet apart if you have 10-foot rails, otherwise — whoops.

Then I find out that, after I dig down two feet and have removed the last of the loose dirt and rocks, this part requires you to get down on your hands and knees and reach down into the hole and use your hands to get it all out.

After all that, guess what? Now they want you to put about one-and-a-half inches of small pea-size gravel down the hole to help drain rain water and snowmelt away from the post so it won’t rot away over time. After I just took all those *#!@$&^ rocks out in the first place!

Finally, I am ready to set the first of five posts of my wonderful split-rail fence. I make sure it is plumb with my level — did I mention you need a level? Yup, you do, and some sort of a measuring tape is critical to this operation as well.

Now you can shovel the dirt back into the hole and, using the end of that heavy, long iron bar that has the round flat silver dollar, you start pounding the dirt down all around the post. All two feet of it.

This is also approximately 1,000 times you will pound the dirt back in place. I did it! I got one post done, only four more to go!

And one more tool is the most important of all: You must have another person to help you! Preferably, this person will be younger, tireless, and in shape. Not an OF!

I didn’t make it. I got four done, I have one more to go. Really tired. Exhausted. Time for a cold beer.

The OMOTM who made it to Mrs. K's for breakfast the next day were Harold Guest, Wally Guest, George Washburn, Wm. Lichliter, Roger Shafer, Roland Tozer, Frank A. Fuss, Mark Traver, Glenn Patterson, Joe Rack, Ken Parkes, Jim Austin, Chuck Batcher, Russ Pokorny, Warren Willsey, Pastor Jay Francis, Lou Schenck, Jerry Cross, John Jaz, Herb Bahrmann, John Dab, Paul Guiton, Bob Donnelly, Dave Hodges, Elwood Vanerbuilt, and me.