How about … Not!
How about we get a couple of pints of Ben & Jerry’s “Cherry Garcia” and a bottle of “Skinny Girl” Merlot, then just curl up on the couch and watch a Hallmark movie. After a good cry, let’s spend four hours talking about our feelings and emotions. Doesn’t that sound like fun? Not!
How about we turn 65 and then go on Medicare, making what used to be simple and easy health-care coverage become something with endless paperwork, mailings, notices, deadlines, rules, complexity, and all this when we’re getting older and by any sane accounting it should become simpler, not more complex. Is this the way to run health care in the greatest country in the world? Not!
How about we lease the biggest and baddest off-road SUV, with state-of-the-art navigation, safety aids, and ground clearance so high we could picnic under there, but then never drive it anywhere except the mall because if we actually do take it off-road we might scratch it and then have trouble when the lease is over. Not!
How about the fuddie-duddies who delight in telling us how our occasional cigar, libation, or even diet soda are so bad for us when all we are trying to do is relax a little and not go crazy from all the stress with politics, aging, anti-human phone menu systems, and graffiti (or rather vandalism treated as art). Not!
How about we don’t take the trouble to register and vote, yet complain about everything all the time anyway. Complaining without voting? Not!
How about adding more and more “infotainment” options to cars and trucks, and then wonder why they veer all over the road as people do so much more than just drive. More doodads and gadgets on the dashboard? Not!
How about some new cars coming without an oil pan drain plug. The car will “let” you know when it needs an oil change, performed by the dealer with special equipment. Not being able to do your own oil changes if you so choose? Are you kidding me? Not!
How about overflowing hotels filled with migrants, paid for by our tax dollars, who sit around waiting for who knows what, while everywhere you go you see “Help Wanted” signs in all kinds of businesses. Paying for a potential workforce to sit around while stores can’t get help they so desperately need? Not!
How about resisting the urge to buy everything online so that local stores can succeed and pay taxes, but then find they don’t have what you want and, when they do have it, there is only one register open. Local stores not stepping up their game in response to the online shopping juggernaut? Not!
How about people still not getting opera, despite it being a timeless, multi-dimensional feast for the senses. It really is. Still thinking opera is boring, stodgy, and old? Not!
How about endlessly discussing what movies are on Netflix and what new show is on what new streaming app, but completely ignoring the wealth of diversity that is available at the local library? Carping about movies and TV shows while the entire world, literally, awaits you at the library? Not!
How about seven-dollar mocha hoka double latte espresso shot venti whatever coffees still being a thing? Paying seven dollars for coffee when you can get it at any convenience store for less than two bucks? Not!
How about that toothache coming in late Friday night, forcing you to spend the weekend in grueling pain. Can’t a toothache come during normal business hours for once? Ouch. Having to search for emergency dental care? Not!
How about living in the greatest age of human connectivity, when any person or any idea is just a mouse click or button press away, while loneliness and social isolation are at an all time high? Being isolated by choice or by circumstances and missing the joy of human companionship? Not!
How about the sheer drudgery of just maintaining a house: laundry (endless), dusting, paying bills, landscaping, fixing stuff, cooking, cleaning, mopping, and on and on. Where are the house-cleaning robots like in “The Jetsons” cartoon from my youth? We don’t have domestic robots yet? Not!
How about trying to schedule something with a medical professional and being told the next appointment is not in days or even weeks but months? Better not die in the meantime! Waiting so long for medical appointments? Not!
How about the old days, when Dad bought a new TV, connected the rabbit-ear antennas (two screws) and it just worked. Same with the toaster, vacuum cleaner, fridge, and everything else. Now everything has to be “installed” or “setup” and you better have an account and know your login and your wifi password, yada yada yada. They don’t even include printed manuals anymore! Having to be a tech wiz whether you like it or not? Not!
How about not even being close to having high-speed rail, like France and Japan have? This is the most fuel efficient way to move people over great distances. We’re overdue. Still having to wait for high-speed rail? Not!
How about taking all those Sunday dinners with parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins for granted and now wishing you could do it just one more time? I try not to dwell on my dear departed family members, but it’s hard not to sometimes, especially around the holidays. Getting sad and down because the circle of life never stops? Not!
How about a rare perfect summer day, with low humidity and clear skies where are all the kids are playing stick-ball, riding bikes, or just horsing around on the lawn? What’s that you say, they’re all in their rooms on their phones? Being a kid and not taking advantage of perfect summer weather? Not!
How about this column being entirely too negative, so let’s end on a joke: What did one hat say to the other? You stay here, I’ll go on ahead! Thinking I’m a comedian? Not!