The way I like it
When I write these columns, dear reader, I try to find topics that I think will be of general interest in the community that this wonderful newspaper serves. Today, I’m going to take a different tack, by writing a column that I myself would love to read in a newspaper. Excited? I sure am, so here we go.
Hey, all you guys and gals who work, no matter what your job is — roofer, nurse, farmer, or even computer jockey like me — thank you for your service. By working, you are contributing to your family by putting food on the table; to your community by supporting your friends and neighbors through your taxes; and to your country by continuing to support the work ethic that makes this country great.
You rock! Feel free to pat yourself on the back, if you have that kind of range of motion in your shoulder.
On the political front — are you kidding me? Gag me with a spoon!
On the transportation front, I’m seeing electric vehicles are gaining run time as battery technology continues to improve. I don’t know if we’ll see it in our lifetime, but someday private vehicle ownership will be rare or gone.
Instead, you’ll open an app on your phone and a driverless pod-like contraption will show up at your door and take you to your destination, where it will drop you off and then continue merrily on its way. I just hope, when that happens, the car and motorcycle guys will still be allowed to have their old fossil-fuel-burning relics to play with.
On the pollution front, it is estimated that by 2050 the weight of discarded plastic in the oceans will be more than the weight of fish. My family has been ordering take-out during the pandemic to support local restaurants, and I just can’t believe the amount of plastic required for a take-out meal.
Somebody smarter than me — there are plenty of you out there, obviously — please figure out a way to reduce single-use plastic in take-out meals. Please.
On the sports front — wait, forget about sports. I’m a huge sports fan but there is too much coverage of sports as it is, especially when we have so many urgent, real problems to deal with.
On the competing-priorities front, I have tons of great recipes yet I need to lose weight. Maybe you do too.
You’re going to eat sweets anyway, so try this: Pour a dry chocolate cake mix from a box into a bowl. Add a can of black beans, with the liquid. Add a tablespoon of cinnamon. Mix in a blender or food processor until the skins of the beans are gone. Bake for the time and temperature listed on the box.
Let cool then cut into brownies. Maybe not health food but they taste great and have to be better for you than normal brownies because of the beans. At least that’s what I tell myself.
On the interior-decorating front, I don’t care what paint, wallpaper, and flooring you use: If your house is cluttered, it will not look good. Apparently a lot of folks are with me, because when I go to the landfill, I often see stuff on the pile that is better than stuff I’m using. Clean out the junk, now.
On the obsession front, I’ve now read everything by Kurt Vonnegut, Haruki Murakami, and Lee Child. Now I have to find some new favorite authors (starting with David Baldacci).
On the we-all-could-use-a-good-laugh front, a guy was asked if he woke up grouchy. “Heck no,” he replied, “I let her sleep.”
On the facts-not-mattering-so-much front: Consumer Reports does an annual car issue. Every year they say Jeeps are too expensive, noisy, and unreliable. Yet you see more and more Jeeps all over the place. So much for the facts mattering.
On the it’s-about-time front: I don’t care what your religion is or if you don’t have a religion — if we could all simply treat each other the way we’d like to be treated, the world would be a much, much better place.
From my great quotations file: “If you’re lucky enough to be living your passion, no matter what your business, I congratulate you. And if you’re not yet doing so, what are you waiting for? Start working at it — you’ll never be bored or unhappy.” — Steve DiFillippo, owner of Davio’s Restaurants, from his really interesting memoir, “It’s All About the Customer.”
Let’s take a break right here and list some of my favorite shows on National Public Radio: Wait Wait, Don’t Tell Me; The New Yorker Radio Hour; Radio Deluxe; Le Show; Freakonomics; and Fresh Air. If you aren’t listening to these shows, you don’t know what you are missing. Long live NPR.
On the reality TV front: I don’t watch any — zilch — so-called “reality TV,” which is in fact the furthest thing from reality, except for “Forged in Fire” on the History channel. This is where four bladesmiths from all walks of life compete in a timed trial to make a knife.
It’s just great on every level — craftsmanship, fortitude, perseverance, etc. Yet because it is indeed reality TV, they put the commercials right at the key dramatic parts. Still, if you have any interest in the age-old trades of blacksmithing and knife-making, it’s must see TV.
On the fashion front: The other day somebody asked me — me — about fashion. I know nada about fashion, but I know that you could put a natural beauty like my wife, Charlotte, in a potato sack and she’d still be a knockout. Still, I support the fashion industry because it provides lots of jobs and it juices the economy. Gotta love that.
On the I-could-do-without-it front: There are a bunch of very common activities that I don’t do at all: swimming, skiing, fishing, dancing, hunting, shooting, and golf. Of all of these, the only two I even care a little about are swimming, since it could save a life, and dancing, since it gets you close to women. It’s not too late to learn either of them, thankfully.
On the very under-appreciated front, let’s give big props to mathematics. Do you realize when they send a probe to the outer planets, they have to figure out where the probe and the planet will be literally years in the future?
The fact that the walls in your house are at right angles, and the bank can figure out the compound interest on your loan and on your savings is mathematics in daily practical use. Video games, the internet, efficient farming, and so much more are all possible because of mathematics.
Even music, which we all love, is very mathematical. If teachers harped on the sheer beauty and daily utility of mathematics instead of rote memorization we’d all be a lot better off.
Some people use drugs and alcohol to escape reality, with often terrible or even fatal results. I have a better idea: Sit down and read “The Hobbit,” written in 1937 by J. R. R. Tolkein. I just read this recently for the first time and I was blown away. Sheer joy. I can’t wait to read it to my grandson. Immerse yourself in “Middle Earth” and you won't need any other way to escape reality.
From the amazing animal facts department: A hummingbird weighs less than a penny, a cat’s lower jaw cannot move sideways, and penguins have an organ above their eyes that converts seawater to fresh water.
Here are three great smells: a baby’s head, fresh asphalt, and early morning out in the country on your bicycle or motorcycle.
If you don’t know these names, look them up on YouTube and be prepared to laugh until you cry: Jack Benny, Sid Caesar, Jackie Gleason, Bob Hope, Carol Burnett, Tim Conway, Lucille Ball, Bob Newhart. You don’t have to be dirty to be funny.
If you’re looking for something fun to do while there’s a pandemic, have you considered motorcycling? The helmet is your mask; motorcycling is by default socially distant, and it’s just plain fun. Hudson Valley Community College offers the beginning rider course where you get your motorcycle license when you finish, which is a great way to get into riding.
When you’re out on a nice day with the sun at your back and the wind in your face, COVID will be the last thing you’re thinking about.
Finally, to everyone who works in supermarkets, hardware stores, restaurants, and all kinds of offices, which all require wearing a mask all day— thank you. Your perseverance and dedication are what have made this truly awful time at least bearable. We all appreciate you very, very much.