Two weeks’ worth of wit and wisdom

On July 8, many of the Old Men of the Mountain made it to the Home Front Café in Altamont. The Assistant Proprietor was there, having his breakfast (does this indicate the Home Front is a good place to eat?) and he greeted the OFs as they came in.

Many OFs suggested that he should join the group, but the A.P. maintained he was too young and not eligible to join our nefarious group. He also said he did not live far enough up the mountain to be considered a mountain man anyway.

As usual, the OFs talked and complained, and some did not complain but still joined in the conversation on the new and fast-moving technologies — of computers, tablets, smartphones, and cars that talk to you.

One OF said that he can’t keep up with all new electronic gadgets.

“Heck,” he said, “I still jam my foot down on the clutch pedal in my car when putting on the brakes, and I haven’t had a manual shift car in 20 years or more.  It took me quite awhile,” the OF continued, “to even accept automatic-shift cars. I thought they were a fad, and for lazy people, or people who didn’t know how to drive.”

“We know that,” another OF said. “You still call recorded music ‘records’ and say you are off to the picture show.”

“So,” the OF replied, “you know what I mean, don’t you?”

 “Yeah, I do,” the other OF answered. “But some 12-year old will think you are from another planet and the kid will not have a clue as to what you are talking about.  He will think records are in file cabinets, and a picture show is a collection of photos on a smartphone.”

Ponds under pressure

With this normal (?) but unusual summer, the ponds (at least on the Hill) are full — some to overflowing with all the storms. One OF said we have storms, and rain, but for some reason this summer the storms are OK, but the amount of rain they contain is different.

One OG said, when he hears a storm is headed his way, he takes his car out of the garage and puts it in the driveway. This OF said, “Some of these rains are harder than a car wash.”

It was mentioned that the high water in the ponds puts added pressure on the top of the pond’s wall and the spillways, or spill pipes can’t handle this pressure and some of the OFs are beefing up their ponds at this point.

One OF mentioned that the farmer up the road from him woke up one morning and his pond was empty. In checking out what had happened to his pond, the farmer said “muskrats.”

These varmints tunneled into the wall of the pond from the water side, like normal, but the end of the tunnel was so close to the back side of the dam, the water pressure finally burst through the rat’s tunnel, eventually draining the pond in one night.

Where have all the seeds gone?

The Home Front Café has the tables already set for the OFs when it is the café’s turn for the OF assault. Tuesday morning, they had plates with slices of watermelon, muskmelon, and oranges on them.

This display prompted the OFs to ponder if the producers keep on growing seedless watermelons and seedless oranges (and, according to one OF, there are even new seedless tomatoes), what is going to happen when there are no more seeds to produce these fruits? How long can you have seedless this and that before whatever is gone.

One OF said, “Are we getting too lazy to spit out watermelon seeds? That’s half the fun of eating watermelon.”

“Yeah,” one OG claimed, “what about watermelon seed-spitting contests?  We need the seeds.”

An OF interjected that our planet is not infinite, it is finite; we can’t make any more water, or oil, or a lot of other things.  Once we use them, they are gone.

What happens to old lawn tractors? The OF brought up how many of these things that have died are still on people’s lawns.

Lawn sculpture or laziness?

One OF said, apparently, when people have to go out and buy a new lawn tractor, they just mow around the old one that has been left there. Other OFs mentioned they have seen this modern phenomenon quite often.

One OF said that the other OFs were missing the point. This OF maintained this (leaving the old lawn tractor in the yard) is the new form of modern lawn sculpture. Why these lawn tractors can even be a new form of a worship symbol, that is, the owner bows down to the lawn god, and the lawn tractor represents the deity of this newfound religion.

The OF made the comment, rhetorically, how nowadays, if there is one blade of grass not cut on the overly manicured lawn, the homeowner runs in and grabs a pair of scissors and a ruler, runs back out, measures the wayward piece of grass to the proper height, and snips it with the scissors, and then breathes a heavy sigh of relief. Now all is right with the world.

This same OF said that, just as sometimes it is possible to see old chairs, old toilets, or old bathtubs as flower planters, he thinks we will soon see old lawn tractors in the middle of the yard as planters. The OF said, maybe some might even have little candle shrines to the lawn gods placed around them. 

The OFs who met at the Home Front Café in Altamont, and were not preparing to worship the lawn god any time soon, were: Roger Chapman, Miner Stevens, Henry Witt, George Washburn, Robie Osterman, Bill Krause, Jay Taylor, Herb Sawotka, Art Frament, Roger Fairchild, Harold Guest, John Rossmann, Frank Pauli, Roger Shafer, Steve Kelly, George Covey, Jim Heiser, Glenn Paterson, George Aleseio, Jack Norray, Lou Schenck, Mace Porter, Dave Williams, Bill Bartholomew, Otis Lawyer, Mark Traver, Rich Donnelly, Bob Donnelly, Joe Loubier, Andy Tinning, Duane Wagenbaugh, Ted Willsey, Harold Grippen, Elwood Vanderbilt, Mike Willsey, Gerry Chartier, and me. Phew.

JULY FIRST

Who is dumb, who smart?

On July 1, the Old Men of the Mountain met at the Chuck Wagon Diner in Princetown. The OFs have complained about the weather almost all winter and spring — rightfully so. However, the OFs have not had any complaints about the last two or three weekends, with one exception, that is, the ground is still wet.

One OF overheard part of a conversation at a mall where three people were discussing someone the three all seemed to know and, as far as the OF could ascertain, was a common friend. These three were commenting on how little he knew, and how stupid he was.

This prompted a conversation on stereotyping a person, which is earned by his actions, but has nothing to do with how smart he is or how dumb, and the definition of dumb and smart.

How about a plumber, or an electrician, who won’t have anything to do with cell phones, or computers? The computer-savvy person will comment that one or the other is as dumb as a post because they have no idea what a mouse is, or what a cursor is.

He thinks these guys think a mouse is something that skitters around the basement and has to be trapped, and a cursor is someone running around all day swearing.

Yet this same guy will stand and watch his toilet overflow while banging his head against the wall moaning, “What’ll do, what do I do?”

Which one is dumber?

One OF commented, “Well, he can call an OF.”

“Oh wait,” he added. “The OF is out on a job and not home to answer his phone.  Dear, dear, what a pity.”

Then one OF just went with the flow and said, “Like me with my new TV.  I had no idea how to get started. The (dumb) TV had all the instructions on the screen and I had no idea what it was trying to say.”

Whoops, now it is time to call the guy standing in the water with the overflowing toilet. The lexicon of dumb, and smart, has nothing to do with intelligence or education. The OFs in their wisdom have spoken. (Gee, that is smart).

Only rich can afford pets

The topic of social disparity cropped up, and this scribe thought we should add it after the above. This is because some of the OFs maintain that society is ruled by those that have — not how smart they are. The OFs had no idea the type of water they were getting themselves into, but with this discussion the OFs were just sticking their collective toes in the kiddy pool.

When many of the OFs were farming, when an animal became injured, or really sick, the OF at that time humanely disposed of the animal in pain and generally with a well-placed bullet, or, with a larger animal, stunned, and throat slit.

Many times, the OF would be in tears but he knew it was for the best, and it was the most humane thing to do, and as kids (this scribe can report from firsthand experience) we would be upset for weeks.

Nowadays, it is required that you have to take your animal to the vet and have it euthanized, which is not a bad idea, but not everybody has the money to see a vet.  Many do not have money to spend on a cat that has cancer, or some other disability.

The OFs are not saying that vets are not necessary, and the vets do the best they can, but the underlying social problem is that only rich people can afford to have pets.

Many rules, regulations, and laws apply if you have the means to comply; if someone doesn’t have the means, then he is either out of luck and can’t enjoy some of the basic pleasures of life (like giving a kid a kitten to take care of) or he has to break the law.

One OF interjected that taking a sick animal to a vet is a very smart thing to do.  What if the animal has a disease that is highly communicable and someone takes matters into his own hands and does not dispose of the animal properly and it makes other animals sick, then what? What, another Catch-22.

Continuing this discussion revealed that many places charge a fee to discard replaced tires, and to some people the fee charged to dispose of these tires is more than they can afford for used tires to put on their vehicles.

So what is left, the OF said, chuck the old tire on the side of the road along with the beer cans?

“I don’t know,” was a reply. “It just seems so many of the rules have a tendency to push people — people who have problems — down a little further.”    

The OFs chatter away and quite often do not realize that, in many cases, the OGs are being quite profound and informative by relating their family relations and family history or discussing social problems from the kiddy pool.

Relations

At the Chuck Wagon, one OF came over to another table to answer a question that an OF asked about a mutual acquaintance. While this OF was at the table answering this question, another OF asked if he were related to anyone with his family name in Breakabeen, just southeast of Middleburgh, on Route 30.

The first OF said he thought he was a relative of the name in question and he started naming names of who was connected to whom going back four generations. The OF who asked the original question began to talk about some of his ancestors who had lived in that area, and there might be some connection between the two.

The OFs were having a little trouble connecting all the dots and so at this point no real conclusion was reached.

Then one OF, who is really up on the history of the Schoharie Valley and the families living in the county, asked if they were talking about the family with the same last name that fought in the Civil War. This OF reported that the father and two sons enlisted and the father spent considerable time in the hospital.

The other two OFs drew blanks, but thought the name being discussed was particular to the area and concluded they may have been talking about the same family line but really didn’t know.

If all this information could be knitted together like some crazy quilt then these two OFs would be related.  “It’s A Small World After All” may be apropos.

Time warp

Then came the typical after-40 lament, (maybe it is after-50 with all the vitamin supplements people now consume) when the OFs find it takes them longer to do the same things they used to do. What the OFs did in one hour now takes three.

But what the OF wants to know is: Why am I slowing down, but time is speeding up?

Those OFs attending the breakfast at the Chuck Wagon Diner in Princetown, not eating any more slowly than they usually do, were: Roger Chapman, Miner Stevens, Henry Witt, Karl Remmers, Dick Ogsbury, Jay Taylor, Herb Sawotka, Roger Shafer, Art Frament, George Covey, Harold Guest, Robie Osterman, John Rossmann, George Washburn, Frank Pauli, Bill Krause, Duncan Bellinger, Jim Heiser, George Aleseio, Mark Traver, Glenn Patterson, Lou Schenck, Jack Norray, Mace Porter, Ted Willsey, Joe Loubier, Rich Donnelly, Bob Lassome, Duane Wagenbaugh, Mike Willsey, Harold Grippen (2X), Elwood Vanderbilt, Gerry Chartier, and me.