A dark casino on a bright day — once was enough for me

Imagine a perfect late summer, early fall day in upstate New York. Birds are singing, the sky is blue, there's no humidity; nature’s wondrous bounty is on full display. Some possible activities for such a glorious day include but are not limited to walking, gardening, hiking, bicycle riding, and just about anything that you can do outdoors.

I used to tell my kids, when a day like this comes along, make sure you go outside (that is, get off the computer, phone, and video games). After all, we live in upstate New York; these days are few and far between, and you better take advantage of them when you can.

So imagine my cognitive dissonance when recently, on such a picture perfect day, I found myself in, of all places, a casino for the first time. No I'm not making this up and, yes, it was as strange as it sounds.

Here's what happened: There was a car show in the parking lot of a local casino, and just for attending the car show you got a free $10 casino voucher. So, just to use the free cash, I found myself inside a casino in the middle of a bright sunny day. Cognitive dissonance, indeed.

In my wild, misspent youth I'd occasionally wind up in a kind of bar after closing time, a place known colloquially as an “after-hours club.” What's amazing about this is when you finally leave at, say, 9 a.m. after an entire night of partying, you join fresh-faced people on the street who just woke up and are going to church.

This is kind of what it was like in the casino, a cavernous and dark space lit by the glowing neon of row after row of garish, blinking slot machines. In a place like this, you quickly lose all sense of time, which is probably what the owners want in the hopes of keeping you there as long as possible — which may not be that long if your money runs out.

The car show had been well attended but the casino was absolutely mobbed. We had to wait in line almost a half-hour to exchange our vouchers for machine-readable slips that we could gamble with.

I had no idea so many people, on a positively gorgeous Saturday, would be crowding into a dark casino like this in the early afternoon. By far, the crowd seemed to be retirees, and in fact there were all kinds of buses in the parking lot. So now we know what many of our older relatives and neighbors do for fun, apparently.

Once we got our slips, the next task was to find the “right” slot machine. If I tell you there were hundreds to choose from I'm probably being conservative. Picture aisle after aisle of blinking, noisy mechanical marvels all trying to catch your attention with crazy graphics, strobe-type lights, etc. The term “sensory overload” comes to mind.

The machines seemed to be organized by the bets they take, like penny, nickel, and dollar. The machines we wanted to play, the nickel machines, turned out to be the hardest to find. Once we did find one, if it didn't look right — and don't ask me what the criteria is for knowing if a slot machine is right or not — we had to keep searching.

When we finally found the right slot machine, it was time to play. This machine had a minimum bet of a nickel, but it was explained to me that, unless you select “max bet,” which in this case was $2.25, the payoffs when you win are too small.

So we put in two free $10 slips, started hitting “max bet,” and watched the rows and rows of digital limes, lemons, and stars not line up. I kid you not, in about two minutes we lost everything save for 10 cents.

We hit print and gave the 10-cent voucher to the security guard on the way out. My lovely wife thought the whole thing was ridiculous, and I have to say she’s not so far off as usual, but my father liked the place just fine (he would have liked it a lot more if we had won).

Now don't think I'm an absolute rube when it comes to gambling. Back in the day, I was really into horse racing. I'd buy the Racing Form, study all the trainers, research all the tracks, the whole bit. I never won a lot but I won on occasion.

At least with horse racing, because of all the data that was available, you felt that you could apply some intellectual skill to it. In fact, I knew a guy who, using computers, lots of strategy, and betting very diligently, made his living just playing horses.

But with these slot machines the only strategy I could discern was changing the size of the bet. Other than that, it's just hit the button and watch the light show. Not very satisfying if you ask me.

The entire time I was in the casino, where they make it seem like it's night in the middle of the day, I was thinking I should be out on a picnic or on a hike or on a boat or anywhere but there. I guess you could say it's good that so many retirees are getting out of the house but, if it were me, I'd save my money and do something else.

Even if you should win, there are other ways to enrich yourself besides with money. There's the library, there's church, there's volunteering, and so much more. I guess, for some, that's not as exciting as the potential of winning a jackpot while trying not to lose all your Social Security. To each his own, as they say.

They have all kinds of ways to draw you into the casino. There's the free vouchers like we got, the very cheap lunch and dinner buffets, the pretty girls with the free drinks, and other special days and special deals.

The good things about casinos are they provide a lot of jobs, add to the tax base, and get people out, but the bad thing is it's gambling after all and it's just so easy to lose a lot of money (like $20 in two minutes). I'm glad I can finally say I went at least once, but if I never go again that's just fine.

Did you ever notice how gamblers justify their hobby by telling you about their big scores? No doubt they really did hit it big on occasion, but they always fail to tell you about the countless bets they lost, and surely over time they are in the red.

I used to buy the $100 per year Lotto play because that got you some free tickets, but after a while I realized that I'd be much better off just putting that money in the bank. Hey, believe it or not, banks used to pay interest so it made a lot of sense (cents?).

I know, I know: “You gotta be in it to win it,” and I still buy a ticket now and then, especially at work. Nobody wants to be the last guy left in the office when everyone else hits it big.

The next time I go to a car show and they hand me a free $10 casino voucher, I'm pretty sure I'll just give it away (or ask if they'll let me use it for the lunch buffet).