Debating divorce: Marriage can be a lifesaver, both literally and figuratively

One of the earliest memories I have from watching TV as a child was a show called “Divorce Court.” I didn't know much about divorce at the time, but I remember thinking there was something really wrong with seeing this program.

The other shows I watched — cartoons and comedies mostly — were funny and made you laugh. “Divorce Court” on the other hand was sad and featured people who were either very angry or ready to cry. I don't know if “Divorce Court” is on anymore; certainly there are enough other tawdry so-called “reality” shows to take it's place.

No matter if it is or isn't, divorce is a very sad thing. I never liked it as a child and I still don't today.

For as along as I can remember, I've been told the divorce rate in this country is around 50 percent. That is a staggering number, when you consider how big the wedding industry is.

Think about it like this: Fully one-half of all weddings and receptions you go to will wind up with that couple splitting up at some point. So all that money for clothes, flowers, caterers, bands, and of course the bridal showers and honeymoons was really for nothing. That's just amazing.

Then again, maybe if the half that get divorced get married again they can spend more money on the same stuff and keep the economy going. I suppose that's the one good thing about divorce.

It's one thing when you divorce where it's only the two of you, but when there are kids involved it's really tough. Kids might think it's their fault you are getting divorced. How sad is that? No one wants a kid to feel that way.

Of course you could argue that staying in a bad marriage for the kids’ sake is not good either. That's where you have to balance out the pluses and minuses of staying together, I suppose. I don't know about other guys, but if a woman took the trouble to have my kids, then unless she becomes one of the “three Cs” — a cheater, a crook, or a crack addict — I'd stick with her, and that's that. “Man up,” as they say in the 'hood.

When a divorce happens right away — after a few months or a few years — you could argue that the couple were just a bad fit. Maybe they got married in some kind of an infatuation haze or something. You can mostly forgive them for that. Stuff happens and we don't always make the best decisions all the time.

What kills me is when you see a couple divorcing after being married for decades. I mean, you lasted that long, and now you want to just become another divorce statistic? I don't know but it seems to me if you had decades together there should be enough there to keep it going.

What happens when people change, you say? Well, if they change for the better, then that’s a good thing. I've been married for a long time and I'm always learning new things about my wife.

What a boring time it would be if we always stayed the same. Face it, the world is ever changing, and we are ever changing. In fact, the only constant is change. At least that's how I look at it.

The thing is: Marriage takes work. But when you say it that way it doesn't sound good I know. Work is something you do that is so unpleasant that someone pays you good money to do it (not really unpleasant maybe but unlikeable enough so that you wouldn't do it if you weren’t getting paid).

If work is something you need to get paid to do, then how can a marriage that you have to work at be any good? What it comes down to, I think, is that over time you wind up taking the other person for granted, and that's where the problems start. I consciously try to avoid doing this, I really do, and yet it still happens from time to time. What a bummer.

Let's take just two examples. You come home from work and sit down to eat the dinner that your wife prepared for you. You didn't even notice that the floor was spotlessly clean, did you? Well, how do you think it got that way? It sure didn't mop itself!

Now let's go the other direction. You get in your car to drive to your hairdresser. You just turn the key, it starts right up, and you're off. That car, with the fully-charged battery, the fresh oil and filter, and the tires that have been properly inflated and rotated, is ready for you to drive because your husband (at least that's how it is in my family) made sure it was ready and safe for you. Cars need constant attention (just like marriages, how ironic).

I work hard to support my family, I don't drink to excess, I don't gamble, I keep myself clean, and I try to learn something new every day. I thought I was an OK guy, and yet a very good male friend of mine once said: “I don't know how anybody could ever be married to you.”

He was kind of kidding when he said it, at least I think he was, but there is always some truth in humor so let's think about it for a minute.

I can be loud at times (the word obnoxious comes to mind); my brain sometimes works so fast I can cut you off when you're trying to talk (not easy to stop though I try hard to, believe it or not); I tend to control the TV at home and the radio in the car; I have a very sarcastic, biting sense of humor at times (hey, I'm from Brooklyn, hahaha); and I'm sure my lovely wife can tell you many more annoying things about me.

Like everyone else, I am not perfect, but I do try to do the right thing most of the time, I really do. Still, my apologizing skills get a lot of practice, unfortunately.

Consider this: When my wife and I go to a restaurant, even if it's one we've never been to before, I can look at the menu and in one minute know what I want. She, however, takes a long time to peruse it quite thoroughly in the hopes of making the best choice.

Then, when the food comes, I wolf it down so fast I'm basically done before she's even had a few bites. This is just one of my many traits where my apologizing skills get put to good use on an unfortunately all-too-regular basis. Oh well, I always tip really well so the waitresses tend to like me a whole lot. At least there's that.

Just so you know, I’m not the only one who does annoying things. My better half has this thing where she is constantly adjusting our home windows and shades based on time, temperature, and humidity to maximize comfort while minimizing utility expense. It’s a noble task for sure, but sometimes it’s like opening and closing windows all day becomes an aerobic exercise (if it became an Olympic event, she’d medal for sure). It drives me nuts but it’s for a good cause so what can you do?

I watch a lot of stand-up comedy routines, and I think just about every comedian has a bunch of marriage jokes in his act. Marriage is such an easy target to make fun of. Even the most ideally matched couples can drive each other crazy at times, so there's just so much material there. The good thing is when you can laugh at yourself and don’t take yourself too seriously (at least for the 50 percent of us who choose not to add to the divorce statistics).

Comedians sure make marriage out to be some kind of loopy proposition, but marriage can literally be a lifesaver. I was always aware that I snored, but, because my wife insisted I get checked out, I found out I have sleep apnea. This is where you stop breathing during sleep and then snort and wake up over and over all night long. This, of course, makes you tired the next day, but it's the lack of oxygen to your brain that can really mess you up in the long run (potentially causing high blood pressure and worse).

I wound up getting a CPAP (Continuous Positive Airway Pressure) machine to sleep with, and, while I hate using it, there is no denying I'm better off because of it (and my wife can sleep better as well without having to listen to my snoring all night). This is just one example of how being married to someone who really cares about you can be a lifesaver.

My lovely wife, Charlotte, and I will soon be married 30 years. It hasn't always been easy — heck, as my friend joked, you have to wonder how she could stick with me for so long being the way I am and all — but it has always been amazing to be married to a really intelligent and caring person with such a dynamic personality (and I sure hope she says the same about me!).

I'm already looking forward to the next 30 years. Knowing that we have each other’s backs all the time is a real good feeling.

One time I went to a genealogy meeting. Genealogy is where you look up your ancestors and hope to find somebody rich, hahaha. At the meeting, I met a guy who had been married for something like 60 years. I asked him what was the secret to being married that long.

“Well,” he said, in a wistful voice, “after a while, I realized it was just as well to do whatever she says. She's right most of the time anyway, and it just makes it so much easier.”

So there you go, right from the horse’s mouth, as they say.

I didn't like the show “Divorce Court” as a kid, I don't like divorce as an adult, and I'm doing my best to make sure the “50 percent of all marriages wind up in divorce” statistic doesn't get any worse. It's not always easy but I try. Remember, guys — happy wife, happy life!