It was almost all she wrote, folks

The other day, I was almost killed while, of all things, trying to upgrade my cell phone. Think I’m kidding? Read on.

There are plenty of folks who are known as “early adopters.” These kinds of people have to have the latest phone, computer, or other tech gadget as soon as it’s available.

Sometimes the manufacturers will have a special midnight event. Then folks will camp out all day to be at the front of the line for the dubious honor of spending hundreds of bucks or much more to get the latest and greatest device that will still be obsolete in a few years anyway. Such a deal. Not.

In case you haven’t guessed, I’m the opposite of an early adopter. I tend to hold onto things so long they slow down, stop working, or fail such that I’m finally forced to buy new. My thinking is: If something works, why replace it?

Here are a few examples of how bad I am when it comes to catching up with new things:

— I remember when denim jeans came out. We called them “dungarees” back then. One day everything was normal; the next everybody was in blue pants. I never got on board when they first came out because I never want to be like everyone else. Who wants to be a lemming? But I finally caved and, clearly, denim jeans have become iconic and ubiquitous because they just work;

— I wore my favorite concert T-shirt — ZZ Top at Madison Square Garden — until it looked like I was wearing rags. No other concert tee has ever been as good; and

— My trusted mechanic insisted I not put a new engine in my worn out but much loved minivan. He was right of course but I really liked that vehicle. Too bad it couldn’t last forever.

Now let’s talk about my cell phone. It was at least seven years old but it still did everything I needed. Make calls. Take pictures. Give me GPS directions when needed. Face-time with the grandkids. That’s it.

You see, though I carry a phone all the time, I’m not a phone guy. When I know I’m going to be waiting somewhere I take a book, always. So when the screen on the phone started getting a strange green tint at random times I knew it had seen its better days. Rebooting it helped, but it’s no fun rebooting 10 or more times a day.

So my wife and I went to a big phone store on Central Avenue in Albany. This place is huge and there’s always a crowd in there. You have to give them your phone number, and then they will call you when it’s your turn.

Then you have to figure out what phone you want, what options, what accessories, and what plan you need. You would think it would be simple — just give me a new phone, thank you very much — but it’s quite the opposite. In fact, upgrading to a new phone makes negotiating a new car purchase seem like a walk in the park. I mean it.

So the deal is they basically give you the phone for free if you agree to get locked into a three-year plan. My new phone has extra storage, so I had to pay a little more, but that’s the deal. Where they get you is in the activation fees, taxes, and the markup on the accessories you need. Mine didn’t even include a charger, just a cable. Unbelievable.

Mind you, it took us three hours to agree on all this. At that point, they still had to transfer all the data from the old phones to the new phones, which was going to be another hour at least.

Now here’s the kicker: This huge store, always crowded and with at least 50 parking spots, has no public bathrooms. In fact, I said to the lady helping us that I was going to go across the street to use the bathroom, hoping she’d let me in the back of the store where you know they have bathrooms, but no such luck.

This meant, on a dark winter night during what passes for rush hour in the Capital District, I had to cross one of the busiest east-west roads on foot if I wanted to get the relief I desperately needed. Some deal, huh? They really care about their customers!

If the roads had been clear, I would have simply waited at the corner in the crosswalk for a green light, but there was packed snow there. So I waited until the coast was clear and ran across four lanes of traffic. Then I had to cross a side street to get into Stewart’s, which is its own challenge as they do so much business there are vehicles pulling in and pulling out constantly. Finally I got to use the bathroom, thankfully.

Let’s take a moment out of this sorry saga to give big props to good old Stewart’s. They have great coffee, great ice cream, gas, free air for your tires, a reasonable selection of lunch and even dinner items, a milk club, and friendly staff who always go out of their way to be helpful.

I love Stewarts and I’m glad they are a part of our community. Now if they would only bring back my beloved Stargazer Light ice cream. Come on guys, it’s been gone way too long.

So now it was time to return to the phone store. I made it across the side street from Stewart’s OK. But now I had to cross Central Avenue. Mind you, it was dark out, and I was wearing my black winter coat.

I had no idea when I put that on that I’d be trying to cross one of the busiest roads in the Capital District in the dark. Had I known that, I would have worn something like my motorcycle jacket, which has reflective striping.

I started to cross as the left-turning cars were finishing up. I waited for the last one then proceeded. Just then — out of nowhere — a small, white, two-door car started accelerating to beat the red light in the left-turn lane.

Clearly, he never saw me, as he was just flying right at me. I had no time to react. Somehow, I leapt forward just in the nick of time and barely, by the skin of my teeth, got out of his way.

I mean, in my mind’s eye I was rolling over his hood, over the windshield and roof, and flying onto the street. Holy moly. I honestly don’t know how I didn’t get smushed.

At that point, I was so keyed up I didn’t stop running until I had run all the way back into the store. I was a nervous wreck.

When I got back to where my wife was, there were now two employees working with us, as we had been there well over three hours.

My wife then announced that she had to use the bathroom, whereby I said loudly, “You better take the car, because I almost got killed crossing the street coming back from Stewart’s.”

Wouldn’t you think, after hearing that, one of the employees would have offered to let my wife use the bathroom in the back? But all we got was crickets. How sad.

You know, I don’t blame the phone store for this fiasco. They are a for-profit enterprise. If they can get away without a public bathroom, they will do so to save money if nothing else.

I blame the town and/or the zoning board for this. If you allow a very large-square-foot building to open that is always busy and has at least 50 parking spots, you damn well better make sure they have public bathrooms.

I’m not litigious by nature but, had I gotten hurt, crippled, or killed from that white car, I’m sure my wife or I would call an attorney. It’s just not right. I should never have been running for my life across four lanes of busy traffic on a dark winter night just to use the bathroom.

So now I have a new cell phone. It’s much faster than the old phone and the battery charge lasts a lot longer. Are those features worth almost getting killed for? All I know is, if I were a cat, I’d be down one of my nine lives for sure.