Commentary
Look for the silver lining on a cloudy Valentine’s Day


Valentines, shmalentines. If you’re single, who needs the pressure of Valentine‘s Day"
You might have been happy to be single and unattached at Thanksgiving when you could eat to your heart‘s content. You may have been grateful to be single on Christmas when dealing with your mother was difficult enough without having to introduce a new beau. And New Year’s Eve" You had a great time out with friends, or you stayed in with a glass of wine.

But now, it’s Valentine’s Day, and everywhere you look you see married people, and babies, and maybe even chic couples with their ultrachic pets. You start to feel a tiny bit desperate.
You start to think about going to a singles dance, or placing an ad in the paper, or joining an on-line dating service, again. But do they work" Past experience for some says "no."
My friend" No luck at all with a dating service. A co-worker" Same deal.
But others have found these avenues helpful. An academic in Troy" Married after a quick stint on Match.com. A biologist in East Greenbush" Dating and happy after joining the same service.
"There are currently more than 8,000 members with profiles posted on Match.com within 30 miles of Albany," wrote Match.com spokeswoman Kathleen Roldan via e-mail. Roldan said that the dating website just celebrated its 10th anniversary. The website serves people across the world, she said.
"We know that more marriages and engagements result from Match.com than any other dating site, based on research conducted by WeddingChannel.com," Roldan said. "In a survey of their engaged or recently-married users, 12 percent said they met their fiancé or spouse on-line and more met on Match.com — more than twice the number of the next-ranked dating site."
If dating services are so successful, then why are there still so many unlucky singles" Well, based on no research at all, and guessing wildly, I would say that there are many unlucky singles becaus — everyone is so darned picky!
When you were in high school, and you wanted a date for the homecoming dance, did you make a list of all the traits your date needed to have in order for you to accept, or ask, a date" Well, probably at first, but when the deadline for buying tickets came down to the wire, No!

If you managed to snag a date for the dance, you rejoiced, ordered your dress or suit, and bought a corsage or boutonnière. (And then, some of you remembered to ask your parents if you could go.)

I know some reader is thinking that dating in your 30’s, or 40’s, or 50’s is very different than it was in high school. It sure is. You don’t need that hotel room after the dance because you have your own home. Bonus! Silver lining.
Do you ever read the personal ads" If you don’t, try it for laughs. All the old guys want young women who are stick thin, but curvaceous. All the women want men who have professions like law or medicine or accounting, and enough time to build a great physique.

Personally, I’d rather have a spouse who spends just enough time at the gym to keep his heart healthy, and no more. Since my free time is kind of limited, I’d like to spend a good chunk of it with my hubby, and I can’t do that if he’s obsessing about his pecs in a gym across town.
Men in ads and on dating websites seem to want women who are "athletic and toned." Okay, now, that’s thin, curvaceous, and athletically toned. I think smart or funny sometimes come in fourth and fifth, but back to my point.
Say a single guy has enough time to have a well-balanced life and he still makes it to the gym for those pecs. Why on earth does he expect his future wife to do the same" There are, I‘ll grant you, several out of every large sample of women who live for the open road under their sneakers, who can’t wait to bench press 200 pounds, and who dream of opening their own fitness gyms.
The rest of us like to shop. Or read, or volunteer, or watch TV, or countless other benign pastimes. What does that single guy care, anyway" He’s busy at the gym!
One of my friends says her future husband must love cats because she has three. For goodness sake, couldn’t he just tolerate them" Couldn’t the kitties live in the basement or, at least, stay out of the bedroom so future hubby could avoid allergy shots" Doesn’t the poor guy deserve some rest without wheezing"

On the other hand, I know some guys who just want a lady who will stick around and not fall apart over every little thing. But that leads to my husband’s observation: A fight is not a reason to break up. A fight, he says, is just a fight.

And that could be a secret that only married people can share with their single friends, because:

Married = fighting + resolution.

Or, in the case of long marriages:

Married = We already know how this one ends so let’s skip it.

Yeah, so, hubby and I fight; big deal. We’ve been a mostly happy couple for almost 20 years. I want my single friends to be as happy as we are, and I know that, this Valentine’s Day, some of them won’t be. But, they do have the upper hand for the holiday.
Their Valentine’s Day won’t be predictable, and, if they buy themselves chocolates, they‘ll get their favorite kind and they won‘t have to share. See" Silver lining.